Conversation
synu
synu
self-denial.
i wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat feeling big hands fucking me and i am lying.
"What else do you think it is? What, do you think its imagination? What, you think he just came up with that stuff? You think these guys just came up with that stuff? Oh, yeah, she was uh, she was uh well uh yknow raped by her father when she was like 5 years old and he well it turns out he was he was yknow he was by this guy and he even said he even said he came inside of me. And thats when he had Bob inside of me. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. HE SPELLS IT OUT FOR YOU. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU." - Charls Carrol, *The Abused Generation*
People don't just come up with shit like that.
I always thought I was lying when I told people that I was molested. For many years, I was convinced that I was a morally bankrupt sociopath creating a false narrative to retroactively justify my disgusting, repuslive behaviour, by playing the victim in such a way that people could not reject.
I was not lying. I just did not know enough to be able to tell my family. And I will never know enough to be able to tell my family.
Some things you know but you can never prove. If you think things like this don't exist you are either delusional or malicious. There are things that a person *knows* but can never prove.
I will never know if I was raped. I know that I prolapsed, I know that my first memories are of my anus hurting and bleeding. I know that my first fragments are of a weight on top of me and inside me. But I will never *know*. I will never know ENOUGH to prove to somebody else that they should have done something. I have to live with it alone because i was never given the luxury of knowing enough for other people but instead given the putrefying abscess of knowing only enough for myself.
All you can do is NOT LOOK AWAY. even when it doesn't make sense. even when it's wrong. even when it doesn't fit. DO NOT LOOK AWAY. Never avert your gaze. That is my one duty in this life.
To not look away. Even from myself.
i wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat feeling big hands fucking me and i am lying.
"What else do you think it is? What, do you think its imagination? What, you think he just came up with that stuff? You think these guys just came up with that stuff? Oh, yeah, she was uh, she was uh well uh yknow raped by her father when she was like 5 years old and he well it turns out he was he was yknow he was by this guy and he even said he even said he came inside of me. And thats when he had Bob inside of me. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. HE SPELLS IT OUT FOR YOU. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU." - Charls Carrol, *The Abused Generation*
People don't just come up with shit like that.
I always thought I was lying when I told people that I was molested. For many years, I was convinced that I was a morally bankrupt sociopath creating a false narrative to retroactively justify my disgusting, repuslive behaviour, by playing the victim in such a way that people could not reject.
I was not lying. I just did not know enough to be able to tell my family. And I will never know enough to be able to tell my family.
Some things you know but you can never prove. If you think things like this don't exist you are either delusional or malicious. There are things that a person *knows* but can never prove.
I will never know if I was raped. I know that I prolapsed, I know that my first memories are of my anus hurting and bleeding. I know that my first fragments are of a weight on top of me and inside me. But I will never *know*. I will never know ENOUGH to prove to somebody else that they should have done something. I have to live with it alone because i was never given the luxury of knowing enough for other people but instead given the putrefying abscess of knowing only enough for myself.
All you can do is NOT LOOK AWAY. even when it doesn't make sense. even when it's wrong. even when it doesn't fit. DO NOT LOOK AWAY. Never avert your gaze. That is my one duty in this life.
To not look away. Even from myself.
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Phobos
Phobos@eientei.org
@synu To confront and not deny your issues is a good first step--unless it's a raging bull in front of you, then...yeah, good luck with that.
My go-to for heavy shit I don't quite know how to react to or deal with is (dark) humor; so please don't take that as me making fun of you--I most certainly am not. Talking out loud about it, if you feel that's right for you, might be your way of dealing with it; and if it works out, then good. 🫂
My go-to for heavy shit I don't quite know how to react to or deal with is (dark) humor; so please don't take that as me making fun of you--I most certainly am not. Talking out loud about it, if you feel that's right for you, might be your way of dealing with it; and if it works out, then good. 🫂
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@Phobos
i don't know if there's necessarily action needed to "deal with it". I don't think that it's something you're supposed to deal with. Rather, it's something you have to learn to be aware of without going insane. Reconciling the contradictions. Living in true awareness is hard enough. Idk its a whole thing.
i don't know if there's necessarily action needed to "deal with it". I don't think that it's something you're supposed to deal with. Rather, it's something you have to learn to be aware of without going insane. Reconciling the contradictions. Living in true awareness is hard enough. Idk its a whole thing.
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