We knelt side by side at communion. We shared in the body of Christ together. That sacred ritual, that beautiful union, is now forever desecrated. A belief in something greater than us. A real bond now leaves a scar upon my memory. Our silly fucking meaningless play act! No, only yours actually.

How could I blame myself for believing in you? We talked about how nothing is scared. How truly terrible that is. About our baptisms and the joy of silent worship even if we were unsure about believing. No, I was unsure and you were certain. The meaning of that communion was real for you, or so you said.

Sean, you forever have the symbols of Catholicism tattooed on your body. You said you’re a bad catholic but still a catholic. Yet you truly believe in absolutely nothing. You don’t just preform belief you embody that sick nihilism. That is your world.

And yet, Sean, you will still be forgiven. I don’t believe in God but you do. I’m not particularly religious and you swore by it. Everything that makes that institution wicked is what offers you salvation. The mere fact that I can remember vividly kneeling next to you full of an honest feeling of kinship. Proves that this is a scar.

Lord forgive me, for I have sinned. Me, a non believer, has truly sinned. I did not know it was you whom I shared a connection with that day. There are so many others in my life I could’ve knelt beside and shared a true union with. People I will see on their death beds and hold their hands in mine. I certainly know tears will fill my eyes as they face something almighty and unknowable. I could have reminded you, Sean, about this very day with absolute clarity anytime you needed it. Anytime you needed to believe in something natural and real.

How quickly you shrugged your shoulders at all of this. How small your world truly is! That it could so easily be cast aside. If we did share that moment together as you assured me we had when I asked you that night. That we truly did have something. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Cowardice? Ah, so that is your existence. That probably gives you some peace. It offers me none. Absolutely none. That someone I loved was so truly cowardly that our true bond could be so easily broken. I reject that with love in my heart. No Sean, it wasn’t just cowardice that caused this. It’s that you never had the love for me to see what I could. You never had the love for yourself to see what I could.

So please keep telling the new people in your life that you pray. I’m sure they will be moved just like I was. I never once told you about my prayers. So here is one:

I pray that we never meet again.

@Kita oh man

@Kita you will never find someone who will have enough spare love to spill into your heart unless your door is already open, wide open, wide enough to accept your own,
or so i think,
or
I don't want to ever comfort you for this,

I would like to share

i think

it's a tragedy! that's it. that's all it is. Oedipus killed his dad and fucked his mom and tore his eyes out and died full of shame and regret and none of it was really his fault. you have experienced your own personal tragedy that literally nobody could ever understand completely.

@synu lowkey this one is for @pict0 although Sam made me think of it. I was just angry.

@Kita @pict0 have you shared a communion with pict0 yet?
also, wdym Sam?

@synu @pict0 black squirrel Sam or am I just manifesting a name rn?

@Kita @pict0 No yeah, Sam. Sorry, rabbit brain. I forgot how Sam reminded you. Actually, I think this is the ocnversation I piss-maxxxed for.

@Kita

@Kita sean will never believe in god. belief inspires fear. sean has no fear of anything he can't see, touch and sink his teeth into. he only fears what he deludes himself into believing he can manipulate. he fears women, and he fears being seen as one - as something a man could manipulate. he doesn't fear god, he ignores god. he doesn't fear the man who he betrayed standing in his home holding a knife. he ignores what's out of his control.

communion couldn't be desiccated by someone so weak and debased. the ritual is still sacred because those who are unworthy of christ body are rebuked for trespassing.

there will still and always be many opportunities for redemption. when i get baptized we can take communion together and find that redemption.

@pict0 I’d love to

@pict0 @Kita i went to a catholic church for easter, on easter weekend. well, for the passion ceremony really, i think its called. the pastor (i think) read from the part of the bible that details christs conviction and execution. I felt hot, sweaty, and out of place - i kept my laptop bag covering my arm. after the reading, and i think a choir, and a sermon that I didn't really get about criminals existing cause we killed christ instead of barrabas, I was called up to touch the cross, and i knelt, and i touched the cross, and i stood, and hit my head on the cross on the way up. then I was called upon to take communion. i was told that if I am not a catholic, to not partake in communion out of respect, and to signify this with my arms crossed. I walked towards the priest, and then crossed my arms as I approached him in line. I think he said "May God bless your heart." Afterwards, I left, before the ceremony was complete.

i'm not sure. i still like church. i've liked anglican churches. i like visiting them when i have the time. i just dont like feeling out of place. idk. we'll see.

@synu @Kita esoteric zoomers like us have a hard time with digesting exoteric goy slop church stuff. still important to go. worship with others in a sanctuary of colored light and the bellowing song of the pipe organ is worth the hassle imo.

catholic church cuts out the most slop (pastors explaining the bible in their own interpretation for manipulative purposes) and leaves the music, the rituals, and the bible reading. a catholic homily is usually only like 2 min but it's always my least fav part.

it is really hard to fit in with catholics with the phrases and sitting and standing stuff, but focusing on all that is missing the point of church: getting up in the morning and singing with non-degenerates on a sunday when you don't have to.

@pict0 @Kita might give it another try on sunday.