@Kita you don't, and you aren't. so long as you share even a single flash of understanding with another, ever, you're not alone. not until every last soul on the planet and you've forgetten all of them and you've lost all hope of ever finding another again will you be alone. Even when shinji was the only one who chose to remain, he had his memories, and he had hope, and he wasnt alone.

Dont drive yourself mad. it's awfully easy.

@Kita I have, plenty.

@Kita

@Kita yeah, just take it for what it is. i believe in you dude. if anyone can pull her its you

@Kita ex-military gf who will beat you when she's fed up with compiling errors

@Kita chat is this self harm?

@Kita the fear of having nobody to hold at the end of the world

@Kita 2021maxxxing

@Kita wanting something that was never there

@pict0 @Kita eh, ipod shuffle is just for aurafarming. any dumbphone will have a good mp3 player.

@Kita okay yeah, I'll give you an actual review - I'll start with obvious gains and losses in your life other than pros and cons:

gains:
- WAY, WAY, WAY less self conscious, as in, the literal definition of being conscious of your own self, of thinking about your self. a reduction in egocentrism and an increase in unity with the rest of the world. i think going no smartphone is extremely helpful for people with serious personality disorders. it doesnt change the processes that ruin you but it massively reduces the amplitude - much lower capacity for massive death spirals.
- MASSIVE reduction in screen time. like i went from 8+h a day to ~2h a day. this means you suddenly have way more time for hobbies and its way easier to maintain a healthy sleep schedule.
- Much better sleep. Just like, all around.
- very retro early 2000s style relationship to technology. abbreviations like "brb" and "afk" actually mean something now - you are now online and offline, instead of in a constant sisyphean cycle of delivered, seen, opened, etc.
- everything to do with communications technology becomes more meaningful. conversations become more meaningful, messages become more meaningful etc.
- like a 20-100% increase in overall happiness and fulfillment
- 2-5x more of life experienced. MASSIVE xp buff.

losses:
- potentially a proprietary charger that costs FUCKING $40 TO REPLACE IF YOU LOSE IT (avoid ones that need a proprietary charger)
- *No spotify, soundcloud, etc.. usually has local music player instead of a streaming service. you gotta either start buying music or learning to pirate and transfer files.
- *loss of a convenient notes app. this is why i started carrying around pen and pocketbook everywhere.
- *not as reachable over email, which can frustrate employers, but fuck them.
- *people get frustrated you arent online all the time sometimes, but fuck them.
- *can't be consistently reached over smartphone messaging services like instagram, whatsapp, signal, etc.
- *more friction with accessing smartphone specific social networks whatsoever (apps that require a qr code scan or an app), like signal, whatsapp, telegram, etc. you can work around it with an android vm but its annoying.
- *more friction with file transferring. its not as easy to say, take a photo and send it on discord, as it is with a smartphone - you have the intermediate step of transferring files from your dumb phone to your computer.
- *can't read digital books, epubs, etc
- *forces you to be alone with your thoughts in a way thats not as possible with a smartphone. playing music over the mp3 player on your phone isnt as distracting as scrolling reels or jerking off, so i've had some bad nights. but, i've had much worse nights with a smartphone overall.
- *hard to send long texts on the go. gotta sit down and lock in.
- microphone, camera, speaker quality are probably all gonna be not great.
- usually proprietary software which can be a security/privacy concern but, also, just dont do sketchy shit on it dude its a phone.

(* = also a gain in my opinion)

you will get quite a bit of added friction into your life but that's kind of the whole point. you don't actually lose out on anything in particular. after about a year of being no smart phone, i can say it's been only positive.

i pinch myself,
to see if I'm dreaming.
i touch myself,
to check I'm still there.

and that level of violence,
i wasn't aware.
it took me so long
to realize nothing is fair.

@Phobos
i don't know if there's necessarily action needed to "deal with it". I don't think that it's something you're supposed to deal with. Rather, it's something you have to learn to be aware of without going insane. Reconciling the contradictions. Living in true awareness is hard enough. Idk its a whole thing.

self-denial.

i wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat feeling big hands fucking me and i am lying.

"What else do you think it is? What, do you think its imagination? What, you think he just came up with that stuff? You think these guys just came up with that stuff? Oh, yeah, she was uh, she was uh well uh yknow raped by her father when she was like 5 years old and he well it turns out he was he was yknow he was by this guy and he even said he even said he came inside of me. And thats when he had Bob inside of me. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. HE SPELLS IT OUT FOR YOU. THEY SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU." - Charls Carrol, *The Abused Generation*

People don't just come up with shit like that.

I always thought I was lying when I told people that I was molested. For many years, I was convinced that I was a morally bankrupt sociopath creating a false narrative to retroactively justify my disgusting, repuslive behaviour, by playing the victim in such a way that people could not reject.

I was not lying. I just did not know enough to be able to tell my family. And I will never know enough to be able to tell my family.

Some things you know but you can never prove. If you think things like this don't exist you are either delusional or malicious. There are things that a person *knows* but can never prove.

I will never know if I was raped. I know that I prolapsed, I know that my first memories are of my anus hurting and bleeding. I know that my first fragments are of a weight on top of me and inside me. But I will never *know*. I will never know ENOUGH to prove to somebody else that they should have done something. I have to live with it alone because i was never given the luxury of knowing enough for other people but instead given the putrefying abscess of knowing only enough for myself.

All you can do is NOT LOOK AWAY. even when it doesn't make sense. even when it's wrong. even when it doesn't fit. DO NOT LOOK AWAY. Never avert your gaze. That is my one duty in this life.

To not look away. Even from myself.

@korgster have you ever tried throwing him as hard as you can

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@menherahair @Phobos network effect is the boot on the throats of the downtrodden - an old story in a new font

@Phobos The you on the wired and the you in the real world are *two different entities*. Never, for a single second, think that you are who you are on the wired. Never think that.

@Phobos literally havent had a single kernel issue yet whats ur distro

THX 1138 is a movie about how necessary it is that you remain unproductive, inefficient, unprofitable, unstable, unbalanced. It is a 1971 American social science fiction film co-written and directed by George Lucas in his feature directorial debut. Produced by Francis Ford Coppola and co-written by Walter Murch, the film stars Robert Duvall and Donald Pleasence, with Don Pedro Colley, Maggie McOmie, and Ian Wolfe in supporting roles. The film is set in a dystopian future in which the citizens are controlled by android police and mandatory use of drugs that suppress emotions.

THX 1138 was developed from Lucas's 1967 student film Electronic Labyrinth: THX 1138 4EB, which he created while attending the USC School of Cinematic Arts.

You can find the full movie here,
https://archive.org/details/THX-1138_Original_Cut.mkv